Someone I know professionally, through several degrees of separation, contacted my through my LinkedIn profile to touch base with me and say hello. He had kind things to say about my profile, my resume, my education, experience, etc. All of which was a prelude to his asking me how I ever expected to find another employer once they had read this blog. Frankly, if a potential employer doesn't like my blog, and can't see the humor and sometimes horror of it then I doubt I would fit in well with their organization any way.
I have become thoroughly convinced through previous employment searches that selling oneself short is a transaction that can never be reversed once one has taken the plunge and agreed to a salary and sat through "New Employee Orientation" or any kind.
A recent contact from a head hunter, which I relate here, encapsulates everything I have to say about why "I" will never "find" another employer. I'll put the exchange in the form of a dialogue, because it saves me time and I find it entertaining. The actual exchanges were through email and phone conversations.
"Hello Norris, this is Recruiter from the We Can Fit A Square Peg In a Round Hole Professional Placements agency. I came across your resume on Monstrosity.com and I have an employer seeking someone to fill a long-term, contract for hire position for which I think you would be a good fit."
Thank you Recruiter. Flattery will get you past my spam filter every time, the first time. Can you tell me about the opportunity and what about my resume information makes you feel I fit so well.
Recruiter responds with job description, location, necessary and preferred skills that tell me that I could be looking at a position anywhere between entry level customer service and an IT Department head. She says nothing at all related to my resume that suggests to me she actually anything in it or about it other than the "blurbs" that came back in response to her none to well phrased search parameters at Monstrosity.com. She confirms this suspicion on my behalf by asking me to send her a properly formatted resume in electronic format, if that would not be too much trouble. Ms. Recruiter tells me that the format available to her through Monstrosity.com is not really something she feels comfortable with presenting to her client.
"I will be happy to send you my resume. Will sending it in PDF format by reply email ok?"
Meanwhile, in a note to myself I say, "Strike one Ms. Recruiter. You really fumbled the ball on this one."
I admit I have never had access to what a resume looks like from the Employer side of Monstrosity.com but I have to think that they would find it in their best interest to make your finding potential candidates as easy as possible and could receive no conceivable benefit from transfiguring what looks like a perfectly formatted resume when I print it out to something you find all but unreadable when printed out in the offices at We Can Fit A Square Peg In a Round Hole Professional Placements agency.
To be perfectly blunt Ms. Recruiter your request makes you seem lazy and inept at best. At worst it suggests you'd like an electronic copy of my resume that you can, in fact, massage, re-work, re-word, redact and otherwise manipulate in order to present something to your client that lives up to your promise to work a miracle for him within the confines of the limited information you were given or took the trouble to find out about the position, the low-ball salary offered, the absolute lack of anything like a benefits package offered or the fact that the distance between the work location and my home would require more money in gasoline and toll-fees than I would earn in the first week of each two-week pay period.
However, you agreed to accept my PDF document so here it is. Knock yourself out.
Later that same day:
"Hello, is this Norris?"
I say to self, "you called me, don't you think it would be polite to introduce yourself before you ask to whom you are speaking? After all, what if you're my stalker or that annoying neighbor of my mother's whose invitation to her church meeting I've been trying so hard to avoid. Nevertherless.
"Yes, this is Norris, Recruiter, thank you for calling."
"Is this a good time to talk?
Truly a stupid question. If it were a bad time to talk I would not have answered the call.
"Yes, it's good"
"Is this the best number to reach you at?"
Well, it's worked 100% of the time so far I think.
"Yes, it is."
"Is there another number in case I need to reach you?"
There is another number I will answer but I don't feel like giving you any more means of contacting me since you already have my email, my mobile number, and the information my resume which includes my address, my website and my blog, my Facebook page, my Twitter contact and what seems like more than enough means to contact me if you need to short of snapping a GPS receiver around my neck.
"No, I prefer you use this number."
"Ok. The reason I am calling is to ask if you wouldn't mind creating a profile on the We Can Fit A Square Peg In a Round Hole Professional Placements agency website. This is to your benefit in the event this particular opportunity is not the one."
Hmmmm
"No, Recruiter I don't mind at all." Will before 5 p.m. today be okay?
"Yes, that's good."
"I'll get it done before 5 then."
"Thank you Norris. I will be in touch with you when I know more."
Presumably you mean for me to understand that to be when you know more about what your client thinks when you are able to get him to call you back. He is, after all, particularly busy or must at least be seen to be particularly busy, or, well, there wouldn't be a need for you would there Ms. Recruiter.
Strike two Ms. Recruiter. You have now thoughtlessly interrupted my day by placing me in the awkward position of not wanting to refuse you in a request and thereby committing myself to the time-consuming task of enriching your database and increasing the potential number of square pegs available to you should this round hole of an opportunity turn out instead to be a black hole that sucks us both in and produces nothing. Oh well, I really need to find something to fill my time other than playing Angry Birds.
To: stoughne@gmail.com
From: noreply@WeCanFitASquarePegInaRoundHoleProfessionalPlacements.net
Re: Thank You For Interest In We Can Fit A Square Peg In a Round Hole Professional Placements
Dear Stough:
Thanking you for completing your profile at We Can Fit A Square Peg In a Round Hole Professional Placements agency.
Your qualifications and interests will be matched against those positions, present and future, for which you may be qualified.
One of our professional staff will contact you with information about any of these positions in the near future.
Please do not respond to this email as this address does not accept incoming communications.
I am too busy catching up with Angry Birds to reply. Besides what I have to say in response to your "one size fits all" email would not make it past your email server's profanity filter. Foul ball into the cheap seats Ms. Recruiter. The count remains at 0-2. I am now beginning to have some doubt about the future of our budding courtship. I am asking myself if Ms. Recruiter truly has a client and if in fact she might just be trolling the pond on a slow day in order to keep herself relevant at work
"Hello, is this Norris?"
"Yes,"
"My client is interested and has asked me to take the further step of having you complete a short questionnaire. I just sent it to your email. Can you get that back to me as soon as possible?"
Ok. That's ball one to you Ms. Recruiter. Turns out maybe you really do have a client. The count is now 1-2.
I open the email attachment from Ms. Recruiter and find something that looks more akin to a college entrance application or the major writing requirement for my B.A. degree. Unfortunately for your client most of these questions require a short essay and I don't have the time to answer questions demonstrating that I know what I am doing from reading my resume.
1. I got a full-ride scholarship from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. No slouch there.
2. I got all the way through a private college-prep private high school and through all my post-high school bachelor's degree and all of my graduate work at the University of Texas at Dallas with a 4.0 GPA. UTD doesn't just give these grades away, despite how much you have to pay for them. If a person keeps a 4.0 at UTD and earns post-graduate certification in Geographic Information Science, well, by God, they earned it.
3. I have a Certificate in Project Management. Again, they don't just give these away because someone asks.
4. I have published some of my professional and education works and they are available for anyone to read if they care to check out my LinkedIn profile or ask me for them.
5. Your client's questionnaire reveals he's a lazy manager and if I have to spoon feed him ever piece of information about me from sources to which he already has access, I can't imagine what a pain in the ass it would be to have to do it everyday while I at work.
Strike three Ms. Recruiter. You're out. You are your client have presented nothing like what I would consider to be an "opportunity." Seems more like a black hole where nothing escapes. I'll pass on the completion of the essay test you call a questionnaire.
"Hello, this is Norris Stough calling. May I speak with Ms. Recruiter.
Hi, Ms. Recruiter, based on what little you've told me about the position and the extent of what you expect me to tell you in return, I don't think you see this as a win-win situation for both of us. I am not going to complete the questionnaire. I am certain that I am not what you would call a good fit.
A good long while ago I knew and worked with a gentleman named HR Nulisch, Purchasing Manager for RSR Corporation. On the wall in his office he had this framed quotation, "If you never expect to pay a little more than what you get on some occasions, you can be sure that you will never receive more than for what you paid on any occasion." Amen, Mr. Nulisch.
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